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‘Are You a Perfectionist?’ Huffington Post

If we continue to hold on to the illusion of “perfection,” we can spend a lifetime feeling like we have failed. So, why are we all striving to reach something that’s not real?

Let’s understand it better.

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Being a perfectionist can often mean you get stuck or don’t complete tasks because you never feel they are up to your own set of standards. A writer would never press send or publish, a designer would never have their new outfits in a shop, a manager returning to the drawing board again and again rather than giving the official go ahead.

Does this sound like you? Are you a perfectionist?

Did you know there is even a term for this fear? For those that have a genuine fear of imperfection and not being good enough? It is called atelophobia, and it is an anxiety disorder.

As a therapist and Writing from The Source workshop facilitator, “perfectionism” is the number one obstacle brought up as getting in the way of completing tasks (procrastination and self doubt are the next two).

People would rather not complete (or even start) new projects than have to deal with failure. Perfectionism unintentionally gets translated in to fear. Rather than holding this as an excuse — it’s a good one I know, isn’t it better to deal with it instead?

So how do we deal with perfectionism? Well the trick is knowing what it means. I pose the question to you — what is perfection? What is perfect? If we are all striving toward it, shouldn’t we know what it is? To better understand this, let’s start with a couple of simple questions.

1. Have you ever read the perfect book? I don’t mean a good book, a great book, an amazing, interesting or enthralling book, I mean the perfect book!

Can you name it?

2. Do you own the perfect outfit? Dress, suit, jeans or skirt. Does this outfit always make you feel good? Is this outfit great for that occasion or is it in itself perfect?

Do you see where I am going with this?

“Perfect,” the way we see it (or think we see it) does not really exist. It is an illusion that we can spend hours, days or years trying to achieve… and it isn’t real. It is a bit like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

As a former photographer I have followed many a rainbow in the hope of finding this pot, seeing the exact point where the rainbow lands on the ground in a stunning golden glow. After far too many attempts, I now know this is not real.

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If we continue to hold on to the illusion of “perfection,” we can spend a lifetime feeling like we have failed. So, why are we all striving to reach something that’s not real? Let’s understand it better.

What does perfect mean? What is its actual definition? Here are a few synonyms:
Ideal or great — you can do this. Complete — umm, so finish it. Accurate — check your facts. Many of the synonyms for perfect are achievable. You know you can do this, right? Great, accurate, complete? You would do this every day without even thinking about it.

If you take the word “perfect” out of being the driver of your work (I’m going to write the perfect blog) or the obstacle (but it will never be “perfect” and get published) that stops you, the possibilities are endless.

Without perfection, what is left? For many the answer is “self-doubt.” If the work is not perfect, then maybe it is not that great either, and then what will people think of me?

What we are doing here is debunking the myth of perfectionism, taking out the stress and fear, not lowering your standard of work. Self-doubt is perfectionism’s silent partner, the one we don’t really want to talk about. Judgement! We can say proudly “I am a perfectionist” but we would never exclaim proudly to have self-doubt or be afraid of being judged. We fear this makes us sound weak and small.

The problem is we are trying to please everyone. We want everyone to like us. We want everyone to think we are smart. And like finding the pot of gold, it will never happen. We just can’t please everyone and nor should we try. People are different and have different likes and dislikes and different tastes. That is all OK. Accept it.

Look at what you are wearing right now? Why did you choose that particular outfit? Because you thought everyone would like it? Did you dress for comfort? For appropriateness? Because you simply felt like wearing it? Do you think you are being judged for it? Maybe. Does it matter? No. Some people will like what you are wearing, some will not, and many will be indifferent. This is all OK.

Judgement is part of life and we don’t want to waste too much time worrying about what others think. Do things for yourself. Do them with honesty and integrity. If you do this you don’t need to doubt. Will there be mistakes? Yes, probably. This is OK too. Learn from them.

Perfect, perfectionism, perfectionist — these are all not real. Know this. Stop wasting your time.

Stop the stressing, stop chasing that pot of gold and just get on with it. Publish your blog, have your new clothes range in your favourite shop and make final decisions. Stop worrying and start doing.

Romi Grossberg is a writing therapist, holistic counsellor, facilitator of Writing from The Source workshops and author. ‘Are you a perfectionist?’ is an extract from her upcoming new book, titled ‘The 5-Minute Guide to Emotional Intelligence’ to be released in April 2016. For more information, go to www.romigrossberg.com

Source: Are You a Perfectionist? | HuffPost Life

‘The Stress-Free Way To Manage Your Day,’ Huffington Post

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Break it down. Make it simple. Feel satisfied.

People often ask me how I manage to be so productive whilst maintaining a lifestyle that is enjoyable and stress free. I live in Thailand (yes by the beach) and am an author. Beautiful no doubt, but this doesn’t exactly pay for all of my lifestyle choices. So, I freelance as a writer of websites, a copy editor of books and blogs, I am a counsellor, writing mentor, writing therapist and workshop facilitator.

I have to travel to various locations to do re-cons for new websites and run my workshops in different places (including different islands). All of this means I have to juggle schedules, management, students, clients, travel and those who work on ‘Thai time’ (a bit like the Spanish ‘mañana, mañana’).

I just published a book. I also need to give a progress report on my next book in about six weeks. I have A LOT to do. That is just the basics. Every day there are follow up emails, Facebook and other social media around my published book that seem never ending. Yes there are days I wish I had a P.A.

I also want to maintain my lifestyle. I am trying out Tai Chi for the first time and have a two-hour class three times this week to fit in. I have a session this week on women’s sexual health and vitality (why not!) and I have a friend coming to visit with her daughter. Reading the above three paragraphs could definitely stress me out if I let it. I don’t.

I am organised. This keeps all stress at bay. Many people think that getting or being organised is time consuming and can be stressful alone. It doesn’t need to be at all. So here is how I do it. You can too!

Let’s start with a quick list of what you need.

They are all very cheap and easy things to have:

  1. A clean and empty desk/working space
  2. A lined note book
  3. Another note book – your ideas book
  4. A diary/calendar
  5. A small fit-in-your-daily-bag note pad (or phone with notes)
  6. That’s it. Let me explain.

I hope the clean desk is obvious. Messy desk, messy mind. Simple. The lined note bookis your daily ‘to do’ list. Depending on how busy you are, you can do this daily, every few days or each week. I do it daily. Every morning (or the night before) I write down what I need to do. This de-clutters my headspace and clears the mind of trying to remember everything.

If this is your first time then write down everything that needs to be done this week. Now on a separate page, write down what needs to be done today only. If your weekly list is long or busy, you will feel stressed out. Be realistic about what truly needs to be done today. Make the list doable! Simple tasks.

For example I would not put on my list ‘social media’ because that is stressful and could take all week (or year!). I would break it down to ‘link my amazon page to my LinkedIn page,’ ‘put photos from the book launch on my Facebook page,’ ‘send newsletter’ etc. Get the picture? They are doable and guaranteed to be ticked off that day and provide a great level of satisfaction. One small task at a time and my ‘social media’ will get done – without stress!

Don’t Forget To Tick

Each time you have finished a task, tick it off your list. Revel in the absolute satisfaction of penning that tick. Ooh it feels so good. It also stimulates you to tend to the next task.2016-07-12-1468294645-5581887-doabletickedlist.jpg

What About You?

Do I need to remind you to put something for you on your ‘to do’ list? Do you put tasks first and you last? If your answer is yes then make sure you put ‘go for a walk’, ‘have a coffee with a friend,’ ‘meditate’, whatever it is, on your list. Factor it in to your day. It should be in your diary AND your ‘to do’ list. There are 24 hours in a day – gift yourself some of those moments. Don’t let life pass by knowing you attended all your tasks but had no ‘you time.’

The other note book is more of an ideas book. This is for bigger projects or something you want to get around to, but just not this week (or month). For example, my next book started in my ideas book and wasn’t brought over to my daily ‘to do’ list until my social media felt under control. When it was brought over I again brought it in small tasks, ie: ‘research a specific topic’, ‘send one email’ etc. It still remains in my ideas book with scribbled notes and thoughts all over. This is the space to be messy if you need to. Ideas in your ideas book can be big but once they come over to your ‘to do’ list, they must be small, simple and achievable.

The diary/calendar is for deadlines and appointments. This serves as a reminder when writing your daily lists – check how much realistic time is available that day to tend to this list. It should be kept neat and organised so you can actually see at a glance what is there.

The small fit-in-your-bag note pad (mine is always a kitch cheap note pad) actually lives in your bag. That way you always have paper and pen if you have a thought or something you want to tend to later (yes phones do the same thing but I am old school). Don’t forget to transfer these to your ‘to do’ list if you need to.

Once you own all of these things (note books, diary etc), it is SIMPLE. Truly.

It will take you about 5 minutes a day to keep it clear and doable. Just 5 minutes. This morning I looked at my ‘to do’ list and it had gotten too big (and messy). It happens. It’s OK. I looked at my dairy to see what appointments I had today and how much time available. I opened a new page and wrote 12 things I wanted to do today. At least half will take me only a couple of minutes each (send a particular email for example). I feel completely confident that I can tick off my entire list today. No stress. Just sit at my clean desk with a cup of coffee, my ‘to do’ list and voi la.

Rules: Yes there are rules. Only one actually.

Turn your internet off whilst you are doing anything that doesn’t require it being on. It is amazing how much time we waste on Facebook, youtube or whatever your vices are. Open your email just to send an email. Open your Facebook only to post a message related to your ‘to do’ list. Then minimise it. Turn your sound OFF so you are not distracted by every ping. Or like I said, just close them.

The result?

You are organised, whipping through your ‘to do’ list and probably have time spare to do something you enjoy. So go and enjoy.

Happy stress-free day planning. I am off to Tai Chi.

Romi Grossberg is the author of ‘The 5-Minute Guide to Emotional Intelligence’. She also has a newly set up support group on Facebook (with the book title name) for those going through the book – ticked off the list just yesterday. For more information, go to www.romigrossberg.com

Huffington Post, 2016

Source: The Stress-Free Way To Manage Your Day | HuffPost